he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
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