I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
