yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
