you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
