Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
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