it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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