When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
