Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
don't judge my taste in strippers
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
