Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
