Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
