Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
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So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
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Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
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