after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
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