I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
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