Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
