Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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