I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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