he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
