If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
