Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Shame - the story of my life.
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