it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
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