We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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