I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
