you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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