Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
