Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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