Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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