so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I want to fling myself into the sun
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
