plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
