First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
