WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
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At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
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My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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