I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
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