I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
No subtext here. People are naked.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
