Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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