There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
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