One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
