Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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