I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
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We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
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Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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