allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
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