i just wanna soil my oats bro
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
Randomize
