Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Randomize
