if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
