Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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