The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
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I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
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I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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