I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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