pedialite and red bull = repair kit
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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