If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
