No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
