spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I am one with the molecules
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
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