Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
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