who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
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