I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
