I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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