Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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