Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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