i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
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