if you like me you must not know who I am
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
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