I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
