I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Randomize
