Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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